The "V" Word

Visitation. Our foster-adopt classes briefly touched on the subject, basically saying that, in some situations, the child in your home may have visits with their biological parents. The parts they left out, which are kind of crucial, are that visits are court ordered, and the judge decides the frequency, the place and time. Without asking anyone's input, I might add. If they want them 3 times a week, and they're an hour away from your home, that's that. Along with that, having to associate with an entire biological family can be a complete nightmare. Yes, they are the child's family, and one absolutely wants to honor that and keep them in contact for the child's sake, however, it is very difficult. 

Because our girl and her biological brother do no reside together, they have visitations scheduled. Her brother is 8 and basically was her parent before they were removed from their home. They have a very close bond. I didn't actually know the extent of their bond until I saw it for myself. She is a completely different person with him; happy, smiling and carefree. We haven't seen that side of her yet.  Because he lives with one of their family members, she gets to see her aunts and cousins, too. She clings to her brother, and he dotes on her. Once, I stayed to observe, and her brother parented her from the start, at one point telling me, "Get her some water. She is hot." Later that day, after he had given her 2 gigantic cookies, I stepped in to stop him from giving her more. It was very strange to parent her in front of not only him, but other family members. Then, when I stopped to change her diaper, they all stood over me and watched. That made for a very awkward 3 hours. 

Visitation means a change in our girl's attitude, and in her schedule. Naps are missed, and sleep those nights is disturbed. The foods she is fed aren't foods we feed her, so there's an adjustment each time, and some very disgusting diaper changes. Though we send her in perfectly normal clothes, she comes back wearing different clothing, her hair fixed the way they must like it. I feel like every aspect of our foster parenting is scrutinized by her family, and I imagine if a random stranger was now caring for my niece or nephew, I would feel similarly. Although we do it for our girl, I have heard the judge speak negatively about her family, and I know about their past, and frankly, it's scary. I certainly don't bring Teague to these visits.

Our caseworker said from day one that family associations could "go away" with adoption. The adoption could be closed, and therefore any further contact with any of her family wouldn't be allowed. This presents us with a huge predicament. How could we completely cut her off from the very close-knit family that she has known all of her short life?  What would she think when she's old enough to understand? Would she be ok with us removing her brother (and all of her other family members) from her life to basically better her situation? I don't know that it's a decision that will have a good outcome either way, and who are we to make it? 

Right now, our lives are consumed by our girl's intervention school, her many appointments and visitations, and, most importantly, her court dates. Each time, it seems we're presented with new developments and hurdles. At present, another family member has come out of the woodwork with a high powered attorney and would like to adopt our girl and her brother. We await the court date this week to see what will come of it.